Two negatives don't make a positive

Friday I took a pregnancy test, after a few days of incessant calling from my family asking if I was pregnant because they knew I was late I finally went and took the test.

My sister sent me an email asking me to just get my bottom to the drugstore and buy a test; I walked the two blocks to the drugstore and got myself one of those tests that have the actual words pregnant/not pregnant come up on the screen; it just avoids any confusion on my part.

I went back to the office, into the bathroom and as I talked to my sister on the phone I peed on a stick. We started talking about things that were going on our lives, she was telling me stories about family and friends in Colombia and I was washing my hands, and looking at myself in the mirror.

3 minutes hadn’t gone by but I peeked at the test against my sister’s advice; my heart started beating faster than I have ever felt it beat and my jaw dropped after a shriek came out of my mouth. My sister kept asking what? Are you? What? When I finally was able to gather my thoughts and close my mouth to form words I said “the test says I am pregnant” as tears started rolling down from my eyes.

My sister started crying with me and I went outside to tell Tranica and Marissa, the two students that were in the office with me. They hugged me and prayed for me and I asked them to go to the store with me to buy a baby album.

We walked to the store and I found a cute yellow baby album, I wrapped it as a gift and put the pregnancy test in there. We walked back to the office and when K came back from running errands Tranica told him somebody had dropped off a gift for him.

He was confused, why would somebody drop a gift? He opened it and immediately looked up at me, again my heart racing like it was trying to jump and kiss him; I could hear my palpitations so clearly it was even hard to see what was happening around. My heart going so fast its sound was almost uninterrupted and his green eyes set on mine, wide open and welling up with tears were the only things my attention could handle. We both started crying and he kept on saying “No, no way, noooo” as my smile kept growing bigger and bigger. And then his humorous side came out as it usually does in all types of situations and he said “I got swimmers!” He immediately hugged me tight and kissed me, he was burning hot, almost feverish and his skin was so red I was starting to wonder if he was ok; the next thing he said is that he was having hot flashes and then sat down.

My Mom called very conveniently after I told K, she asked me if I had had a chance to get a test and I told her I was pregnant; she could not stop crying and thanking God for her prayer had been answered. She was at her office and she went outside and told customers and the employees she was going to be a grandma; she kept telling me she wanted to see my belly and talk to it every day. 

Once mom was able to calm down she started calling everybody in the family on her cell phone. She told me she had been extremely sensitive the last few weeks just crying for no good reason and feeling strongly I had a baby in my belly. We hung up with mom and I called dad, he wasn't there but Mile his wife answered; I asked her what she was doing in November and she said I think we are going to the States, and I said good because you'll have to come meet my baby then. She let out a scream of joy and I told her I had to call dad before he found out through somebody else. 

I took a picture of the test that clearly said I was pregnant and sent it to my dad, I called him immediately to his cell phone and asked if he had a chance to check his email today. He said he'd been busy and I told him I needed him to check something out and give me some advice. He said he was going to and started telling me a story I cannot even remember right now, suddenly he said "no" and just stopped talking; and then I said dad you are going to be a grandpa. He was speechless and told me he had been reading the Bible a few days back, reading about families and he started crying; he had been feeling I had a baby in my belly for a few weeks too. 

I hadn't felt anything, I did throw up a few times and I had been extremely tired but I was attributing all of that to the fact that I had been sick and studying and working a lot.

We told some of our family and we wanted to wait to tell everybody else; we wanted to take another test with K by my side. He was so excited, he talked about crazy ideas for 4 hours straight, he just kept talking and talking and talking and every time he looked at me this tender warmth filled my heart. He has been preparing to be a dad for so many years, he loves kids and rocking his nieces to sleep is still his favorite thing to do. 

Earlier Friday morning he shared a message with the students of the USM and in his message he shared about having a deep desire to be married and have a family since he was 6. He used to talk to his mom about his wife and they would pray for her together. He prayed about this moment for 25 years, and knowing it was so close, knowing his child was forming in the belly of the wife he earnestly prayed for was more marvelous than anything he had ever imagined.

We went on with our day the best we could. Every now and then tears would fill my eyes and I would start thinking of my belly growing, my skin stretching to fit my wonderful baby. After we got done at work we headed home. I wanted K to be there for my second test and I couldn't wait to do it so minutes after we walked through the door at home I peed on a stick for the second time. We left the test in the bathroom and we stood in the living room sharing a hug, K kept kissing my forehead and rubbing my back and after a few minutes we went inside to read Not Pregnant on the test. 

I looked at him and he just hugged me again. He said he was sure I had taken too much water; it was probably an inaccurate test. We went to set up at Urban Church and came back home later; I couldn't wait until morning to figure out what was happening so I decided to for the third time pee on a stick. I waited, prayed and again Not Pregnant flashed on the small screen as my heart sunk deep into my chest. 

I didn't think I was going to be so affected by this, Thursday when I went to bed I was comfortable with the idea of having a baby later on in life. I was fine with the fact that I wasn't pregnant, and now I was sitting in my bathroom floor with my husband crying so hard my chest felt like a thousand swallows flapping their wings trying to escape. K and I cried for a little bit and then I texted my sister to tell her what had happened. She said not to think about it and to take a test with the first pee in the morning. 

I tried to sleep but I couldn't quiet my thoughts; K and I laid in bed and cuddled. He prayed and prayed and prayed until he finally fell asleep again, holding me. I kept tossing and turning in bed but I was finally able to sleep.

I had a dream that woke me up terrified. I was in the bathroom with a pregnancy test in my hand and I was pushing, pushing like I had to deliver. I kept thinking that I didn't know how to push and I kept on trying different things. I was uncomfortable and I felt so sad I was pushing. Suddenly the stick in my hand turn completely red and my lower back started to hurt really bad.

I woke up scared and with awful cramps, it was 430am and I was wide awake, confused and with a hole in my heart I couldn't explain. I went to the bathroom and there was a little bit of blood. I knew I wasn't pregnant then, and I just went into the kitchen and started boiling water to put in a water bottle, my cramps were so bad and I was so sad I just wanted to pretend I was still dreaming. 

I filled my water bottle and went back to bed, K woke up and asked me what was going on, I told him I had awful cramps and started crying; he just massaged my back, kissed my forehead and started praying. We stayed up for a bit longer and then K fell asleep, I couldn't so I emailed my dad, mom, our pastors and a few other people and asked for prayer. I had never felt so sad, I felt so stupid for feeling this sorrow, I thought I had a baby for less than 15 hrs, what was wrong with me?

Saturday at 8am Nathan and Jericho were coming over so we could watch them for a few hours. They are such wonderful little men it was nice to just hang out with them and have fun. Later in the day our friend Beth texted me, she didn't know any of the things that had happened in the last 24 hours but she told me she had a dream we were pregnant and she had seen the ultrasound in the dream. I broke down crying, Caleb and I were so confused, why did she dream about us being pregnant? that can't be a coincidence. I  told her what we were going through and she was so wonderful and sweet; she said she knew God was unto something; but we just didn't know what it was.

The people we emailed responded with the most encouraging of emails. My friend Mel told me she had a dream that I was sitting in the floor with two negative pregnancy tests but she knew they were void yet she couldn't get to me to let me know; in her email she said "I believe God is saying no negative report can stand up against his plan... He just wants you to know all the promises of God for your life are YES and AMEN (2 Corinthians 1:20)! It's a positive report no matter what!!!"

My dad sent a wonderful email, our pastor said the most encouraging things, my mom called me and just loved on me with her words, my sister kept on checking on me, Erin, my wonderful friend, was at a loss of words but her prayers and words kept warming my heart, everybody was so awe-inspiring. We felt surrounded with the best people in the world; we felt loved but we were still cheerless, and heartbroken; and we felt so absolutely ridiculous for feeling that way. Who gets attached to the idea of a baby in 12 hrs? obviously we did. 

We had Neely's birthday party after and K's dad and step mom were flying into town in the afternoon and we were going to pick up K's stepsister after; so we were distracted all day; which was exactly what we needed. 

Once we got home and were alone again the feelings of sadness and sorrow came back flooding our mind and as silly as I felt for crying I just let it out, my husband is the one person in the whole wide world with whom I can be completely naked; both physically and emotionally =), so I just cried and I told God I was upset, I told him I didn't get it and I was upset with Him, I told Him it wasn't fair to get us so excited for nothing, I told Him I loved Him but this wasn't cool. 

It's ok to be upset with God you know, it is human to feel frustration towards God; King David did, Job did, Jonah did, we will. 

What is not ok is staying angry; what is not ok is failing to remember that He is good and His ways are higher than your ways and His thoughts are higher than your thoughts. What is not ok is forgetting to ask for forgiveness once you remember He told you all things work for the good of those who love him. But all in all it is ok to let Him know you don't like Him right now, and in the midst of our heartbreak He comforts us, He loves us and lets us know He never leaves, He is always there. 

Today we went to church, we smiled and we cried and we hugged people that we needed to hug. We worshiped God today alongside our family (both our natural family and our spiritual family); and we sang:

Here I am before You, falling in love and seeking Your truth
Knowing that Your perfect grace has brought me to this place
Because of You I freely live, my life to You, oh God, I give
So I stand before You, God
I lift my voice cause You set me free

So I shout out Your name, from the rooftops I proclaim
That I am Yours, I am Yours

We know God is unto something, we know He has a great plan for us and we know without a hint of doubt that we love Him and our life is after all not ours to plan but His so he can do with it as He pleases; even when we disagree.